I Cry
by Rumiko Nadajima
Summary: Dan is dying in hospital. Akutsu reflects on what he thinks is his fault. This is set a couple of years after Akutsu leaves junior high. AkuDan.


Author's Notes: I cried while writing this. Maybe I'm just very emotional. This was the result of an attempt to make Akutsu more understood.

I don't usually write angst. It makes me feel sad. The other characters mentioned might have their own spin-off from this story (not angst I assure you).

In case you missed it, this is YAOI. AkuDan.

I didn't censor the vulgarities. There's only two, anyway. But just in case.

I CRY

Lies. Lies, all of them. Liars! Don't tell me it will be okay, that everything will be okay. Nothing will be okay! It can't be okay!

I slump down on the floor, clenched fists trembling. Slowly, a solitary tear rolls down my face. It falls, breaking on my hand. Then, more follow, each one crystal clear, yet clouded with emotion. I hastily rub them away. I am not one to shed tears over anything. My pride was too important.

It was also my pride that resulted in this.

Dimly, somewhere from my cloud of despair, I make out the former Seigaku Tennis Team member, Inui Sadaharu. He is a good man. He was the one who saved you, and brought you to this hospital.

Where you are now fighting for your life.

Fighting for the life I single-handedly destroyed. Because of my naivety. For thinking that I was allowed to be happy with you. For allowing you to think we could be together.

I recall, back in junior high. You were always pestering me. Somewhere along the way, I fell in love with you. But my pride wouldn't allow me to admit it. There was just too much at stake for me then. Besides, senior-junior relationships were sticky, complicated things. The Great Akutsu Jin would never allow something as stupid as that to tarnish the fierce exterior so carefully upheld and feared even outside school.

The Great Akutsu Jin would never have come crawling back to junior high after graduating just to find you again.

Because I loved you. I had pretended not to notice the open adoration you held for me back then. Now, there was no need for me to pretend. At least, not that much. Because nobody in high school would ever need to know.

So I went back and found you, still looking much the same but taller. With great shiny eyes, you had squealed and clung to my arm. Much like the way you had done countless times before. "I'm sorry." Those were the words I had said back then. You had looked at me, and understood. The same way you understood the rest of me.

The pride came back again. I wouldn't let anyone know about us. Partly, too, was due to the fact that while I had long since left the gangs, there were still some who held past grudges against me. So I wouldn't let you get too near me, always keeping my affection under check. You didn't mid though. You lived for the moments I allowed my guard to drop, when I would scoop you into my arms and kiss you, confident that no one would know.

I gave you a bracelet for your birthday. Someone had seen me buy it and ask for our names to be engraved on it. That someone had followed me to the park, and watched as you kissed me, touched that I would even care. Several months later, the leader of the gang told me to come back, or they would break my heart for breaking theirs. My pride told him to go to hell, arrogant and confident that they were incapable of doing so.

They sure did a fucking good job.

Kaidoh Kaoru had called me. He told me how he and Inui had found your broken, battered body clawing at a drain while floating in between consciousness. Dying as life ebbed out of your body with each breath.

It's one of those times all rational thinking ceases to exist. I rushed out of the door and chanced upon a motorbike with the key still in the ignition. As I sped away, the owner burst out of the convenience store, yelling something that sounded vaguely like, "Shit you, Momoshiro! Don't think I don't know it's you! I'll get you, if that's the last thing I do!"

It doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. Except you.

So now I sit here, on the cold concrete floor, grieving, remorseful, angry. But most of all, guilty. Because it is all my fault. My fault that you have to pay for my mistakes. I won't let you suffer anymore. I'll leave you. Leave us. Because we're just not meant to be. As long as my past continues to catch up with me, we can never have a happy ending.

Happy. I should have never have let you love me. You would have been happier somewhere else. Some place that didn't have me.

Happy. I don't know if I would have been, if I would have ever known such an emotion, had I not let myself love you.

Okay? Maybe they're right. Everything will be okay, as long as you're not dead because of me. Then we can go back to the time before we knew each other, back to our solitary lives, you happy and me content with the knowledge that you are. Back to the time of not knowing.

Nice try.

I can't kid myself. I won't leave you. Can't. Because I'm selfish. Because I can't let go. Because I love you. Because nothing matters without you.

The little red light goes off. The doctor exits the operating theatre. I immediately spring up, as does Inui, but my feet stay glued to the ground. I don't want to know. I'm afraid. But I can't stop Inui from asking.

"Doctor, how is he?"

The doctor turns to Inui, a blank look on his face. I hold my breath.

"He's out of danger."

The rest of what he says doesn't register. Grateful, I sink down on my knees.

And I cry.

-owari-

Author's notes: I almost made Dan die, but that would be too mean for poor Akutsu. huggles him I have a thing for misunderstood characters.

Review please?


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